Insensitivity To Our Behavior
by John Climacus, “The Ladder of Divine Ascent,”
Step 18, edited and expanded by DSB
Living in denial of your own ways of thinking, the values you hold, the
desires that drive you, the fears that grip you, and the behaviors that
define you – in the minds of others – leads to an
habitual
insensitivity that prevents you from coming to your senses and making
the changes necessary to think, live, and love as a Christian ought.
This kind of denial produced insensitivity sends the message to God and
those nearest and dearest that you love yourself more than them. It
makes it look as if you are unwilling to honestly assess your own
behavior and the effects it has on those around you. It supports a
double standard – a more tolerant one for you and a more
exacting
one for those whose behavior affects you. It numbs your mind and dulls
your conscience to the truth about your unloving and ungodly treatment
of others. It saps the energy from whatever zeal you may have for
loving your neighbor as yourself. It strangles the kind of courage
needed to look honestly at yourself, admit fault, and take
responsibility for your unloving, relationship damaging behavior. It
feeds despair at the thought of having to die to self and the work
required to put on Christ-likeness in order to think, speak, and act as
you ought. It causes forgetfulness of that from which you have been
saved and that to which you were saved. And it gives birth to the loss
of the fear of God.
To lose the sensitivity necessary to love God and your neighbor as you
want to be loved is to become a brainless theologian, a self-condemned
commentator on what love and godliness looks like, a self-contradictory
windbag who explains to others why they should love as they ought, and
a blind man teaching others to see.
This kind of insensitive person talks about healing a wound, yet does
not stop irritating it. He complains of sickness, and does not stop
eating what makes him sick. He prays against it, and the next day goes
and does it. And when he has done it, he is angry with himself, yet
feels no shame over his bad behavior.
“I am doing wrong,” he cries, yet continues to do
so. His
mouth prays against his passion, yet when his passion stirs, he follows
its lead. He fears the coming judgment, but through laziness does
nothing to ease his fears. He talks of willpower and self-control, yet
as if hopelessly addicted he gives way to his ungodly desires. He knows
temptation will come again, but does nothing to make ready ahead of
time. He reads about the judgment to come, yet smiles as if his wrongs
are too minor to come under God’s judgment. He reads about
the
foolishness of pride, and is foolishly proud of how godly he is while
reading.
He praises prayer, but treats it as if unimportant in relation to his
need for God’s help to change. He praises obedience, but
closes
his eyes to his own disobedience. He praises godly contentment, yet is
discontent until his passion is gratified. He praises serenity, yet is
angry and even hostile toward those who express anger at having to
endure his insensitivity.
Having realized he gave way to passion, he feels bad and seeks
forgiveness, and then again yields to passion. Before others he blames
himself for being prideful, and in blaming himself is only angling for
glory for himself. While living like the world in his area of
insensitivity, he praises the Christian life without being honest he is
living contrary to it.
I have seen many people like this, and have been amazed how this tyrant
of insensitivity is not only tolerated, but fed and defended and clung
to with an unyielding grip.
Though I am exposing the wiles and ways of this obstinate, power-hungry
passion and condemning its practice, I must admit I have willingly,
thoughtlessly, and carelessly served it myself. Indeed, I would not be
able to expose it for what it is and the ways in which we hold it so
dear without having traveled that path myself. And I would not know the
measure of freedom now known without God’s gracious help, His
enabling empowerment, His convicting and guiding Holy Spirit, His
probing and instructive scriptures, His willingness to restore the
effectiveness of my conscience – a conscience I myself
damaged,
and His teaching me how to think about myself honestly and judge myself
rightly.
Sadly, this foe is not inclined to run away or easily give up its hold
on us. It does not want to be conquered. It has no intention of giving
up its control over anyone in whom it resides. Therefore, progress in
its defeat does not come without a struggle, humility, perseverance,
and a clinging to God that brings us nearer to Him for the clinging
then we ever imagined possible.
For me, coming nearer to God has its own rewards. I gained a new found
motivation to flee insensitivity, to love more nearly as I ought, to
care how my attitudes, words, and behavior affect others, to be honest
with myself in assessing my behavior, to value relationships, and to be
willful, thoughtful, and careful in doing what is required to make
relationships meaningful and mutually enjoyable.
I am certain that, by God’s gracious empowerment and help,
anyone
can conquer insensitivity to their own behavior and proceed to love as
we want to be loved. And I am equally certain that progress in this
endeavor will result in the rewards that I have found and treasure.