FORGIVENESS
IT TAKES TWO
Forgiveness is primarily
defined as: “giving up any claim to repayment or punishment
along
with any feelings of resentment, alienation, or desire for
revenge.”
feelings
of resentment: bitter
brooding, smoldering ill-will, contempt, open or hidden hatred.
alienation: unfriendliness, loss
of affection for, disinterest in, withdrawal, emotional separation,
physical separation (such as divorce).
desire
for revenge: to get even, hurt back, make them suffer for what they did
to you.
The primary motivation for forgiveness is a mixture of love and
gratitude – love for God and His ways along with love for
others
like the love we have for ourselves mixed with gratitude for
God’s graciously merciful dealings with us. When we love God
and
others as we ought, we are motivated by such love to place a high value
on meaningful relationships built on mutual love and trust. And when we
are grateful for God’s gracious forgiveness (forgiveness
which
enables us to be in a relationship with Him) we are motivated to
forgive others so that our damaged relationships can be healed and
broken relationships restored.
The purpose of forgiveness is to bring healing and restoration to a
relationship that has been damaged or broken through unloving behavior
by one or both parties. In other words, forgiveness is one of the
healing agents through which a sick, dying, or dead relationship must
pass if it is to be restored to a state of health.
The prerequisite for forgiveness is repentance, accompanied by an
admission of wrongdoing, an apology, and a request to be forgiven.
Repentance is a change of mind which results in a corresponding change
of behavior. For example, where once you thought it right or
justifiable to behave in selfish, uncaring, or unloving ways, you now
believe it is wrong and so you set your mind on behaving in a caring
and loving way.
Without repentance
– as verified by a confession and an apology, and supported
by a
sustained change of behavior – there can be no relationship
healing or relationship restoring forgiveness. We can give up our claim
to repayment or punishment. We can give up our feelings of resentment
and anger – and we ought. And we can reject any thought or
desire
for revenge. But we cannot restore the relationship until the offending
party repents, and sustains a change of behavior. Otherwise, the
relationship damaging behavior will continue – thus
preventing
healing and restoration.
However, when the offender repents, apologizes, and asks for
forgiveness, it is time for the offended party to give forgiveness.
Once forgiveness has been given, it is time for both parties to devote
themselves to restoring the relationship. They do this by setting aside
any unfriendliness that may have come between them and begin working at
being friendly. They do this by replacing whatever animosity, ill-will,
or hatred they had toward each other with sympathy, kindness, patience,
and love. Where they held resentment or bitterness, they now pursue an
openness and honesty that feeds understanding and compassion. Where
there was distrust, they each open the door for trust to be restored.
Instead of withdrawing from the relationship, they pursue it. Instead
of separating, they build unity so love can bloom again. This is the
“restore the relationship” part of forgiveness, and
it
takes both sides/parties to make it happen.
The point being made is that you cannot have a mutually meaningful,
mutually loving, trust-based relationship with someone who has
repeatedly pushed you away or hurt you or hurt those you love without
remorse and repentance and a sustained change of behavior on their
part.
However, when faced with someone who seems unwilling to change their
relationship damaging ways, you can be honest and clear with them about
their behavior without becoming ungodly, unloving, disrespectful,
sarcastic, bitter, sinfully angry, hostile, or abusive.
But to remain loving and honest when forced to endure unwanted
disappointment or pain, you must (1) make God your primary source of
security, (2) make God’s love your primary source of love,
(3)
and make love itself the deciding factor in how you will think, speak,
and behave. Then you must (1) guard your thoughts to prevent thinking
the wrong way, (2) guard your tongue so that you do not speak in
unloving, unkind, exaggerated, hurtful, or abusive ways, (3) and
practice/write out ahead of time saying things in an honest and clear
way so that when you are with the person you will speak in ways that
tell the truth while keeping the door open for healing and the
restoration of the relationship.
The Scripture addresses these steps Philippians 4:6-8, Ephesians 4:31-5:2, 6:10-13, Colossians 3:1-3, 12-15, and Romans 12:14, 16-21. These scriptures show us the way to right thinking and feeling regardless of the offender’s behavior and/or continued behavior. These scriptures are God’s provision for a healthy, rational way out of our mental anguish and emotional hurts when the offender is unrepentant.
Now according to the
definition of love, you can seek the good of everyone, be they friend
or foe. However, seeking a person’s good is not equal to
having a
shared relationship of trust and love with that person. Seeking their
good is simply the act of doing what is best for an individual or group
in spite of their behavior toward you or others.
In this, God is our supreme example. The Scripture puts this truth this
way.
One-sided love can promote and protect the good of others, including our enemies, but it cannot heal a damaged relationship or restore a broken one. Only repentance on the part of the offender and forgiveness on the part of the offended can create the environment necessary for reconciliation and the rebuilding of a meaningful, mutually loving, mutually trusting relationship. Therefore, the one forgiving must be willing to risk trusting again, and the one being forgiven must be willing to change so as to validate his worthiness to be trusted.
Forgiveness takes two – two sides working together in healing the damage done and restoring the relationship to one of mutual love and trust.
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TO FORGIVE, WE MUST BE WILLING TO:
Work together in resolving differences and evaluating progress
If the other person is sincere, hear his words and see his actions as truly repentant
Trust the other person even though it means risking being wronged and hurt again
Open ourselves to new levels of intimacy and times together for the purpose of rebuilding relationship
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TO RECEIVE FORGIVENESS, WE MUST BE WILLING TO:
Work together in resolving differences and evaluating progress
Verify our repentance is genuine by expressing sincere remorse and starting immediately to make agreed on changes
Free ourselves from fear of criticism so we can be open, honest, and spontaneous again
Accept the reality of reputation lost. Give the other person time to grow in trust so the relationship can grow
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AN APPEASEMENT
Offers a self-demeaning apology, grovels.
Degrades self in an attempt to make self look bad so offended party will show pity or mercy. Makes unclear appeal to pity and mercy. Is asking for: 1) Escape from consequences or punishment for wrongs done. 2) Escape from humiliation for wrong choices made. Seeks acceptance. Does not wish to take responsibility for wrong done, but does want offended party to accept them as if they had done no wrong. |
AN ACCOUNT
Offers a full account of why he did what was done. This comes in the form of an excuse.
Uses disclaimers. Asks to be recognized as generally being a good person.
Spreads the blame beyond self as if what was done would not have been done if the other party had not done what they did or circumstances were not what they were. Is asking for: 1) The other party to see their own part in the wrong doing. 2) The other party to be reasonable and tolerant since the explanation given shows the accused is neither solely nor mostly to blame. Seeks exoneration. Denies responsibility; side-steps having to be accountable for what was done; excuses self due to extenuating circumstances. |
AN APOLOGY
Offers no defense or excuse. Simply admits wrong done. Shows true sorrow and pledges to work on keeping wrong from recurring in the future (to change). Adds nothing to the apology. Is asking for: 1) Forgiveness for the wrong done. Acknowledges that what was done was wrong, unwarranted, and indefensible. 2) Restoration of the relationship - a reconciled state of mutual love and trust. Seeks reconciliation. Takes authentic, obvious responsibility for the wrong done without any explanation or justification or personal defense. Accepts the consequences. |
STEPS OF FORGIVENESS
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THE ONE FORGIVING STEP 1. Choose to value the person and the relationship.
STEP 2. Go to the other person. Ask for a joint effort in resolving the conflict.
STEP 3. Explain how the wrong affected you. Ask the offender to explain his side. Restate what you hear until both agree on what is said. Listen for hidden fears and underlying concerns. Affirm your concern for the good of both and a restored relationship. Ask what you have done to contribute to the conflict.
STEP 4. Deal with wrongs done: a) work together for a resolution, b) agree on what each is to do in working out the resolution, c) establish a method for verifying progress, d) settle on a response to failure, e) lay the past to rest.
STEP 5. Affirm your commitment to trust. Affirm your commitment to a shared relationship of love and trust. Ask if the other person shares these commitments.
STEP 6. Begin again to work on the relationship. Show good faith by pursuing the other person. Do not brood over the incident. Do not remind the other party of their past failure. Do not tell others. Do not allow anything related to this conflict hinder the growth of the relationship in anyway. Ask for changes to the agreement if needed. |
THE ONE BEING FORGIVEN
STEP 1. Humbly accept the fact you have wronged another person.
STEP 2. Value the person and the relationship enough to make restitution and seek reconciliation. STEP 3. Admit the wrong you have done. Avoid defensiveness. Try to understand the other persons view of the conflict. Restate what you hear till both agree on what is said. Look for hidden fears and underlying concerns. Be kind but honest about the other persons part if he wronged you. STEP 4. Deal with past wrongs: a) repent and commit to change, b) seek solutions in a spirit of cooperation, c) pursue methods of verification and responses to failure that will build trust, d) accept forgiveness.
STEP 5. Affirm your commitment to re-establish trust. Acknowledge that trust must be earned. Affirm your commitment to a relationship built on mutual love and trust.
STEP 6. Begin again to work on the relationship. Prove you want to change by making sincere efforts to change. Cooperate with the verification process. Do what you agreed on when failure occurs. Work at relating in spontaneous, happy ways. Do not let anything get in the way of reconciliation. Ask for changes to the agreement if needed. |
IN YOUR OWN WORDS
What is the difference between unconditional acceptance and unconditional love?_________________________________________
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Why is repentance required on the part of the one being forgiven?_____________________________________________________
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What is so important about restoring trust?_______________________________________________________________________
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Who should take the first step toward restoring trust?______________________________________________________________
Revised 2020