Insensitivity To Our Behavior
by John Climacus, “The Ladder of Divine Ascent,” Step 18, edited and expanded by DSB

Living in denial of your own ways of thinking, the values you hold, the desires that drive you, the fears that grip you, and the behaviors that define you – in the minds of others – leads to an habitual insensitivity that prevents you from coming to your senses and making the changes necessary to think, live, and love as a Christian ought.

This kind of denial produced insensitivity sends the message to God and those nearest and dearest that you love yourself more than them. It makes it look as if you are unwilling to honestly assess your own behavior and the effects it has on those around you. It supports a double standard – a more tolerant one for you and a more exacting one for those whose behavior affects you. It numbs your mind and dulls your conscience to the truth about your unloving and ungodly treatment of others. It saps the energy from whatever zeal you may have for loving your neighbor as yourself. It strangles the kind of courage needed to look honestly at yourself, admit fault, and take responsibility for your unloving, relationship damaging behavior. It feeds despair at the thought of having to die to self and the work required to put on Christ-likeness in order to think, speak, and act as you ought. It causes forgetfulness of that from which you have been saved and that to which you were saved. And it gives birth to the loss of the fear of God.

To lose the sensitivity necessary to love God and your neighbor as you want to be loved is to become a brainless theologian, a self-condemned commentator on what love and godliness looks like, a self-contradictory windbag who explains to others why they should love as they ought, and a blind man teaching others to see.

This kind of insensitive person talks about healing a wound, yet does not stop irritating it. He complains of sickness, and does not stop eating what makes him sick. He prays against it, and the next day goes and does it. And when he has done it, he is angry with himself, yet feels no shame over his bad behavior.

“I am doing wrong,” he cries, yet continues to do so. His mouth prays against his passion, yet when his passion stirs, he follows its lead. He fears the coming judgment, but through laziness does nothing to ease his fears. He talks of willpower and self-control, yet as if hopelessly addicted he gives way to his ungodly desires. He knows temptation will come again, but does nothing to make ready ahead of time. He reads about the judgment to come, yet smiles as if his wrongs are too minor to come under God’s judgment. He reads about the foolishness of pride, and is foolishly proud of how godly he is while reading.

He praises prayer, but treats it as if unimportant in relation to his need for God’s help to change. He praises obedience, but closes his eyes to his own disobedience. He praises godly contentment, yet is discontent until his passion is gratified. He praises serenity, yet is angry and even hostile toward those who express anger at having to endure his insensitivity.

Having realized he gave way to passion, he feels bad and seeks forgiveness, and then again yields to passion. Before others he blames himself for being prideful, and in blaming himself is only angling for glory for himself. While living like the world in his area of insensitivity, he praises the Christian life without being honest he is living contrary to it.

I have seen many people like this, and have been amazed how this tyrant of insensitivity is not only tolerated, but fed and defended and clung to with an unyielding grip.

Though I am exposing the wiles and ways of this obstinate, power-hungry passion and condemning its practice, I must admit I have willingly, thoughtlessly, and carelessly served it myself. Indeed, I would not be able to expose it for what it is and the ways in which we hold it so dear without having traveled that path myself. And I would not know the measure of freedom now known without God’s gracious help, His enabling empowerment, His convicting and guiding Holy Spirit, His probing and instructive scriptures, His willingness to restore the effectiveness of my conscience – a conscience I myself damaged, and His teaching me how to think about myself honestly and judge myself rightly.

Sadly, this foe is not inclined to run away or easily give up its hold on us. It does not want to be conquered. It has no intention of giving up its control over anyone in whom it resides. Therefore, progress in its defeat does not come without a struggle, humility, perseverance, and a clinging to God that brings us nearer to Him for the clinging then we ever imagined possible.

For me, coming nearer to God has its own rewards. I gained a new found motivation to flee insensitivity, to love more nearly as I ought, to care how my attitudes, words, and behavior affect others, to be honest with myself in assessing my behavior, to value relationships, and to be willful, thoughtful, and careful in doing what is required to make relationships meaningful and mutually enjoyable.

I am certain that, by God’s gracious empowerment and help, anyone can conquer insensitivity to their own behavior and proceed to love as we want to be loved. And I am equally certain that progress in this endeavor will result in the rewards that I have found and treasure.