IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO WHEN
RESOLVING CONFLICT
1. GO TO THE OTHER PARTY: Resolving conflict requires dealing with the person you are in conflict with. Go to that person and ask him to join you in facing your differences, resolving the conflict, and restoring the relationship. If you do not go to the other party, you cannot resolve the conflict or restore the relationship. (Matthew 5:23-24; 18:15-18)
2. COOL DOWN THE EMOTIONS: Separate the problem from the people so that you attack the problem not the people. It is common to feel angry, deeply hurt, fearful of what may happen, or unloved when confronted or criticized. However, these feelings are the result of being more concerned about one’s sense of well-being, acceptance, approval, security, or happiness than about the good of all involved (especially the other person) and the relationship. This kind of self-focus promotes defensive arguing in response to confrontation, justification or a denial of any wrong done in response to being accused, counter-criticism, resentment, hostility, withdrawal, and alienation. Humility, a commitment to love, and placing a premium on meaningful relationships are necessary values when it comes to handling conflict in a way that seeks the good of all involved. (Ephesians 4:26-27; Colossians 3:12-14)
3. GUARD AGAINST ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: Reject thoughts like, “I must win or else. . .”, “If he gets his way on this, I've lost everything”, “If she thinks I am this bad, she must not love me”, “Real friends accept friends the way they are”, “We're never going to resolve this issue, so why try”, “If only he would. . ..”, “Before I will do...she must do. . .”
4. DO NOT FIGHT OVER NUMBERS: In the end, it doesn't matter if the offensive thing was done once or hundreds of times. What matters is if it was done or not done enough times to cause problems in the relationship (done too often or not enough). Fighting over numbers turns a discussion into an argument. Say “It happened too often.” or “You have not done it enough.”
5. SEE THE CONFLICT AS A JOINT PROBLEM: It is rare that conflict is one sided in origin. See your side as well as the other person's, and join forces in bringing resolution.
6. IDENTIFY THE REAL ISSUE: There is the stated issue, then there is the underlying interests. The underlying interests are made up of concerns, fears, expectations, needs, desires, and hopes. If we are to identify and understand the real issue, we must try to identify and understand what is not being said but is deeply felt by each person involved in the dispute. If the underlying interests are not met, the issue will not be resolved in a way that rebuilds trust and restores the relationship.
7. INVESTIGATE: Avoid the trap of thinking you know everything about the conflict. Ask questions, verify or clarify all assumptions, get the other person's side of the story, find out how your behavior has effected them. Do your best to make sure no one is being misquoted, misinterpreted, or misunderstood.
8. STICK TO THE ISSUE: Avoid getting sidetracked from the issue by arguments over numbers (You've done it a hundred times!), attacks on the person (You're really dumb if you think that!), dredging up the past (Remember when you did...?), and bringing up additional unresolved issues (Well, you also...!). Be sensitive to when the focus is changing and steer back to the issue. USE PENCIL AND PAPER! If other issues are mentioned that need to be resolved, write them down and return to them another time.
9. WORK THROUGH FORGIVENESS: Forgiveness is essential to conflict resolution and relationship restoration. Do not short-change this part of the process. Freely offer it and graciously receive it. (NOTE: Ephesians 4:32)
10. SHOW CONCERN FOR THE COMMON GOOD: Show that you care about the good of everyone involved in the conflict - the other party and yourself. If you show by your attitude and words that you care about the good of the other party, you earn the right to ask them to do the same for you. (NOTE: Romans 13:10)
11. POINT TO THE AREAS OF AGREEMENT: Establishing the fact that both parties agree on something is crucial to working together to find solutions that will resolve the conflict. These areas of agreement provide a basis for moving forward in conflict resolution.
12. BE IMAGINATIVE IN LOOKING FOR SOLUTIONS: Brainstorm ideas. List the ideas. After listing the ideas, evaluate them. Pick the ones that are realistic, protect and promote the good of both, and have the best chance of being implemented by both parties. Select a solution that both parties can agree to, own as their own, and will put into practice.
13. AGREE ON A METHOD OF VERIFYING PROGRESS: Do not leave the working out of your resolution to chance. Establish a method for meeting on a regular basis, for two or more months, to review progress and correct the course if necessary. This will help the resolution accomplish its intended purpose of restoring trust and the relationship.
14. AGREE ON A METHOD FOR DEALING WITH FAILURE: Getting back on track after falling off is important to the restoration of trust and the relationship. Agree in advance how you will handle failure if and when it occurs.
15. FOCUS ON THE FUTURE AND RESTORING TRUST: It is too easy to focus on the past, the pain, and the evil of the other person. This will do nothing to restore or strengthen a relationship. If the goal of conflict resolution is to protect and promote relationships, then focus on what will do that instead of what has happened. Put the past behind you and find joy in living and loving.
16. SEEK THE HELP OF A NEUTRAL PARTY WHEN NECESSARY: Conflict has the ability to increase our emotions and decrease our sensibleness. A neutral party can provide the atmosphere and help for courteously and sensibly resolving the conflict. Seek that help when needed.
IMPORTANT ASPECTS
OF A RESOLUTION
It is important that both parties feel satisfied with the process used to achieve resolution. To feel satisfied, they must believe the process was fair. They must believe they had sufficient opportunity to tell their side of the story and express their concerns. They must believe they were listened to, and that their basic rights were protected. A resolution is only lasting when both parties are satisfied with it. Work to make the process satisfactory to everyone involved to help promote a lasting resolution.
It is important that both parties feel satisfied with the terms of the resolution. To feel satisfied, they must believe the terms are reasonable. If the terms seem excessive or too hard to fulfill, or are agreed to under pressure, they will be abandoned when supporting them is no longer convenient or beneficial. A resolution will last when both parties are satisfied with it. Make sure the terms are satisfactory to each party involved to help promote a lasting resolution.
It is important that both parties agree on a system for verifying the progress toward fulfillment of the resolution. When there is no system of verification, the commitment to change or do certain things can be forgotten or neglected. This sets the stage for a recycling of the conflict. Progress toward the fulfillment of a resolution ought to be verified on a regular basis. When progress is steady and verifiably so, both parties will be satisfied; and the resolution will last.
It is important that both parties agree on what will be done if and when failure to fulfill the resolution occurs. If a process for handling failure is agreed on in advance, its implementation will ensure a satisfactory response to failure when it occurs. When failure occurs, people often say, “See, nothing has changed!” What they mean to say is, “Resolving this conflict and restoring our relationship is hopeless because you won't do your part!” When one party feels the other is not taking his part of the resolution seriously, the resolution will fall apart. To make a resolution last, failure must be dealt with openly and honestly. The best way to help that happen is to agree on the process before failure occurs.
It is important that both parties feel emotionally satisfied with the resolution. This means feeling forgiven over past failures or wrongs done. It means feeling confident the wrongdoers are committed to change. It means feeling accepted and respected, feeling free to be spontaneous and open instead of guarded and closed, and feeling that the value of the relationship is what brought the conflicting parties back together. When both parties are emotionally satisfied, the resolution will last.
Revised 2020