SINFUL SOLUTIONS TO CONFLICT

Sinful solutions to conflict often bring immediate relief from what we do not like or immediate fulfillment of what we want to experience in relation to the conflict itself or the person with whom we are in conflict. Yet sinful solutions also cause relationships to become shallow, become damaged, and ultimately break. Examples of sinful solutions to conflict are:

CHOOSING TO AGGRESSIVELY CONTROL/RESIST OTHERS

BY BECOMING HOSTILE AND ABUSIVE OR CRITICAL AND DEMANDING

This response is equal to grabbing a big stick, and if that does not get the desired results grabbing a bigger stick, and finally the biggest stick possible in order to beat the other person into submission. When we are this intent on making the other person do what we want or not do what we don’t want, our primary goal is self-serving and our primary method is control. When we believe personal happiness is a great treasure and that controlling others is the most reliable way to gain personal happiness, we treat conflict as a threat to our well-being. Therefore, we take control by using aggressive attitudes, words, and behavior to keep conflict at a minimum and to ensure conflicts are resolved in a way that favors our interests or needs.

Since we are thinking of ourselves, we are not concerned with how our controlling behavior affects others. Being self-focused we readily see that our methods make many people do what we want while ignoring the fact that our methods make those same people feel disrespected and unloved. Making people feel disrespected and unloved pushes them away rather than drawing them into meaningful relationship. Therefore, though aggression toward and control of others may appear to make our lives better, whatever is gained is temporary and these gains are made at the cost of hurting, discouraging, disrespecting, and driving away those we’re trying to control.

CHOOSING TO PASSIVELY SUBMIT TO OTHERS

FOR THE SAKE OF A PEACE THAT APPEARS TO MAKE CONFLICT NON-EXISTENT AND APPEARS TO KEEP OTHERS HAPPY WITH US

True peace is two-sided. Like forgiveness, it takes both sides to reach its intended goal. True love cannot be bought any more than it can be forced. Yet some of us are so fearful of conflict that we would rather work for an artificial peace through appeasement and we would rather treat relationship love as a commodity that can be purchased. Instead of using respectful confrontation and a reasonable approach to conflict resolution to build relationships on mutual love and trust we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of in hopes it will please (appease) those around us enough to keep things peaceful between us and make them love us as we wish to be loved.

The reality is, the appeaser is acting just as self-centeredly as the aggressive controller and manipulator. Both choose their method of dealing with conflict on the basis of self-interest. Each is looking out, first and foremost, for their own interests and well-being. Both are so selfish that for their own sake they willingly destroy the possibility for a mutual relationship built on love and trust.

Do not be deceived. There is no peace in appeasement any more than appeasement can get you to love. Appeasement is the process of giving the aggressor what he wants in the hope of preventing turmoil and conflict between the aggressor and appeaser. Therefore, the appeaser joins the aggressor in using the other to get what each wants while denying each other the kind of respect and love that builds meaningful relationship. This method can keep the one who fears conflict from feeling the uncomfortable effects of open conflict, but the best a relationship can be under these conditions is shallow. And after a time, the appeaser will feel used, and the aggressor will feel appeased, but neither will feel loved and respected.

CHOOSING TO DISTANCE OURSELVES FROM OTHERS

FOR THE SAKE OF SELF-PROTECTION

It is natural and right to protect ourselves from people who are mistreating us in some way. However, it is selfish to protect ourselves in ways which elevates self-good over (1) the value of relationships, (2) the health of the relationship, (3) the good of the person mistreating us, and (4) the good of anyone else the offending party may adversely affect with his offensive behavior (currently or in the future).

We often think that those who hurt us are intrinsically bad (an evil flaw in one’s character or nature). Therefore, keeping our distance is our way of putting a buffer zone between ourselves and those we think will certainly hurt us again because of their character flaw. Though distance shields us from the threat of pain from an offensive person, it also prevents us from resolving our differences and restoring our relationship to a healthy condition. Therefore, this is a selfish response to conflict.

CHOOSING TO LIVE WITHOUT PEOPLE WHO OFFEND US

BY PUSHING THEM AWAY OR IGNORING THEM OR AVOIDING THEM

When we have been hurt by someone and we do not want to risk being hurt again, the quickest and easiest solution is to put ourselves out of reach of the person causing our pain. The best way to put ourselves out of reach is to drive them away from us or stay away from them. Alienation dramatically reduces the risk of being hurt by them again. However, it drastically reduces the possibility of regaining meaningful relationship with them. For most of us who pick this solution it doesn’t mean we don’t want to forgive the offending party, it’s just that we don’t want to be around them anymore. While this method protects us from those who hurt us, it makes it impossible to restore a relationship with them.

CHOOSING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHER’S BEHAVIOR

Some of us try to shield others from the consequences of their behavior. We try to make them think everything is alright between us or between them and others when it isn’t. We even get involved in saying and doing things they ought to do in an effort to make them look better than they are.

Taking responsibility for others in this way is our attempt to keep control of a situation or a person in order to minimize the harm they do to us, our reputation, and those we love. Fearing having to live with the painful consequences of their behavior, we scurry around explaining or defending their behavior and attempting to patch up the damaged relationships they leave in their wake. Yet from fear of what they might do if they figure out what we are doing, we try to hide it from them.

This method makes us look and feel like we are noble and loving. What a lie. When taking responsibility for others, we are just as selfish as the person we’re taking responsibility for. We do this because we care most about ourselves and least about the good of the other person and the quality of the relationship. This method may help us limit the destructive effects of another person’s selfish choices and behavior, but it insulates the sinner from opportunities to experience and learn from the consequences of his behavior and it prevents a resolution process that leads to a relationship of mutual trust and love.

Revised 2020