LISTENING SKILLS FOR MEDIATORS

By Ron Kraybill

GOALS

    1. To create a supportive environment which helps people relax and focus on issues.

    2. To develop rapport and trust with both parties.

    3. To convey empathy and respect for each person, regardless of their beliefs, words, or conduct.

    4. To be able to summarize concisely the essence of each party's view.

   5. To be able to state clearly the basic problems that need to be resolved in terms of problems and issues, not personalities.

FOUR WAYS TO LISTEN EFFECTIVELY

    1. Use your body to say "I'm listening".

            a. frequent eye contact

            b. nodding the head

            c. body oriented toward the speaker (head, arms, legs)

            d. say "yeah", "uh huh", "I see", etc.

    2. Use "echo responses", repeating a word or phrase spoken by the speaker. This unobtrusively focuses the attention of the speaker on things which may be unclear to you. Echo responses allow you to direct the flow of conversation without major interruptions.

    3. "Paraphrase" or restate what the speaker has said in your own words. This is a crucial skill that requires practice.

            a. Focus on the speaker. "You..."

            b. Include both facts and feelings. Body language and tone of voice will clue you to feelings.

            c. A paraphrase contains no hint of judgment or evaluation, but describes empathetically.

                    1.) "So you believe very strongly that. . ."

                    2.) "The way you see it then. . ."

                    3.) "You were very unhappy when he. . ."

                    4.) "You felt quite angry with your neighbor in that situation. . ."

                    5.) "If I'm understanding you correctly, you. . ."

    4. Summarize the basic viewpoints of the speaker as you have heard them. A summary is an extended restatement of the key points of information offered by the speaker. Use summary to focus each party's statement in terms of issues and solvable problems, instead of personalities. In the final summary, obtain the agreement of the speaker that you have summarized both accurately and completely.

CONFRONTING AS A MEDIATOR

by Judy Darlington

EPHESIANS 4:15 . . . Speaking the truth in love, we will become Christ like and grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

I. PURPOSE OF CONFRONTATION

To bring a specific truth into a person’s life that the person either cannot see, has not seen clearly enough to use, or has ignored.

II. WHEN TO CONFRONT

        A. When the offense/dispute is over values, issues, principles, and/or morality.

        B. When the good of the community is at stake (those beyond the offended party adversely affected by the offender).

        C. When unity among family, community, work, or church members is being threatened.

        D. When God’s reputation is being tarnished.

   E. When the confrontation would help the offending party come into greater maturity – for the sake of the mediation and future relationships.

III. CAUTIONS OF CONFRONTATION

It can escalate the problem if not handled correctly – especially if it is used to try to change people instead of giving them truth (and hence an opportunity) to make better choices.

IV. BALANCED CONFRONTATION

        A. TIMING IS CRITICAL

               1. Truth spoken at the wrong time can be received as offensive or manipulative rather than as useful information. Be especially careful during times when the one receiving the confrontation is openly angry, argumentative, feeling cornered, growing increasingly defensive, or displaying irrational thinking related to the situation at hand.

            2. Timing is also impacted by how the confronted party sees the one doing the confrontation. It is best to earn the right to be heard through respect, empathy, and warmth in relationship (genuine caring behaviors) – then confront.

        B. ASK YOURSELF – WILL CONFRONTATION BE HELPFUL?

                1. Will this statement help the person to grow?

                2. Is this confrontation for them or for me?

                3. Are they ready to hear what I am about to say?

                4. Do I need to do some teaching before confronting so the confrontation is better understood?

        C. AM I BEING SENSITIVE TO THE PERSON?

            1.Do they need some teaching about trusting God as their primary source of protection, God’s way of dealing with the situation they are in, how behavior speaks louder than what we say we believe or claim to be, or other such things before being able to adequately understand and make proper use of the confrontation?

                2. Are they too depressed, anxious, or distressed to hear this now?

                3. Do they have enough emotional support to hear this now?

        D. IS CONFRONTATION TENTATIVE AND GENTLE (easier to hear) RATHER THAN AN ABSOLUTE AND HARSH (harder to hear)?

          Examples of being tentative yet clear on an issue:

                    1. “It seems to me that you may be. . .”

                    2. “From my perspective . . .”

                    3. “It is my opinion . . .”

                    4. “If I remember correctly, you said. . .”

                   5. “If I am not mistaken, adultery is clearly contrary to the Bible, Maude. Since you are a committed Christian, it seems to me that you may want to examine your actions in light of Biblical teachings.”

WHAT A MEDIATOR TRIES TO HELP

DISPUTING PEOPLE DO

DISCOVERY (listening and reflecting):

The mediator learns facts, feelings, pains, and the damage done to relationships caused by the dispute; he explores the causes. The mediator then reflects what he is learning to the parties, since some of it will be unknown to them.

RECOGNITION (guiding parties in their own discovery):

The mediator helps parties recognize how things have gone sour, how they have contributed to the dispute and resulting effects of the dispute; also, how things could be if the issues were resolved. The mediator helps each see how their mistakes and imperfections contradict their faith in God and adherence to His word.

VALUING (reconciliation, God’s way of love):

The mediator helps parties desire a better relationship, desire a peaceful environment, and desire good things for the other side.

AFFIRMING (healing and restoring the relationship):

The mediator helps parties say to one another how they value and accept each other no matter how they felt or what they said about each other before. They help each party sincerely confess their role in causing the conflict, repent by expressing contrition for the pain they have caused, ask forgiveness, and express a genuine intention to avoid causing pain in the future. Then they help each party express their forgiveness of the other, and their willingness to open the doors of trust to each other and be vulnerable to future failures.

ACTING (problem solving the problem):

The mediator helps parties discover ways to right the wrongs that can be righted, and avoid committing new wrongs. Parties are encouraged to initiate solutions, but may be helped with suggestions.

COVENANTING (clearly stating the agreement):

The panel helps parties embody their new relationship and agreement in a written document for them to sign.

CELEBRATING (rejoicing over being reconciled):

Parties may find a way to rejoice over their mutual victory, inviting all the affected people to join them.

These stages may run together and backtrack at places, but by the end they should all have occurred.

PREPARING PARTIES FOR

RECONCILIATION

PURPOSE OF PREPARATION:

        1. To assess nature of conflict and its suitability for your involvement.

        2. To assess parties' willingness to look at conflict from a spiritual perspective.

        3. To calm down the parties so they can focus on the real issue, the emotional issues, and the relationship issues more objectively.

        4. To help parties gain an understanding of the Biblical process for resolving conflict and God’s mandate to use this process.

        5. To prepare parties spiritually for resolving conflict and reconciling relationships.

        7. To pray for each party – asking God to work in them and give you wisdom for the task before you.

        8. To educate on Biblical mandate to avoid lawsuits (I Corinthians 6: 1-7) and use processes outlined in Matthew 18:15-20 and Matthew 5:23-24. Always che­ck to see if Matthew 18:15 has been followed. If not, encourage them to take this step before proceeding in your mediator role.

        9. Gather information on possible dates, times, and places to meet.

THE FIRST MEETING

I. BEFORE PARTIES ARRIVE

        A. CHECK ENVIRONMENT

            1. Make it as comfortable and informal as possible.

            2. Consider seating arrangements – around a table, in a circle, etc.

            3. Is there a place for private meetings?

            4. Coffee, bathroom, and smoking arrangements.

II. OPENING STATEMENT OF FIRST CONCILIATION MEETING

        A. WELCOME AND INTRODUCTIONS

        B. EXPLAIN HOW THE PROCESS WILL PROCEED

                1. Both parties will describe situation from their perspective.

                2. Agree on what the basic issues are of disagreement.

                3. Examine possible solutions.

        C. EXPLAIN YOUR ROLE AS MEDIATOR

                1. To help parties tell their side of the story, hear other side, work out differences in their stories, find a solution to the problem, reconcile and repair the relationship.

        D. EXPLAIN CONFIDENTIALITY AND NOTE-TAKING

        E. EXPLAIN TAKING A BREAK.

                1. Parties can ask to take a break any time.

                2. Mediators sometimes take a break and meet separately with each party.

        F. EXPLAIN GROUND RULES.

                1. Mediators ask that parties promise not to interrupt when other party is speaking.

THE STORY-TELLING STAGE

I. OVERVIEW

        A. Each party explains the situation from his/her perspective while the other party listens.

        B. After each party tells his story, encourage the other party to reflect back the essence of the story just heard – summarizing briefly and clearly.

                1. Mediators may ask clarifying questions

                2. Listening parties invited to ask for clarification where necessary.

        D. Define and list issues.

                SAMPLE: "Let's begin by agreeing on the major issues which you need to talk about. Sounds like we could put both of your concerns into four major categories: (when possible, writes on board for all to see) financial concerns, property issues, communication with colleagues, and communication between the two of you. I would like to hear from both of you whether this covers the issues you feel are important."

II. COMMUNICATION

        A. ENCOURAGE PARAPHRASING

                This is a powerful tool for ensuring each speaker has been heard and each hearer has heard what the speaker intended to say.

        B. DISCOURAGE INTERRUPTIONS

                Be firm about "no interruptions". Respond to the first few and ignore later ones, not the reverse. Give them paper and pencil to take notes if helpful.

        C. POINT OUT BARBED / RED FLAG TYPE COMMENTS

                1. Encourage disputants to avoid barbed and/or red flag type comments because they inflame the conflict rather than help resolve it.

                2. Be prepared to stop a disputant who is using such comments and recommend a better way of saying what they are trying to say. Launder with neutral paraphrase (e.g., launder "she's lying" into "you see things differently").

           3. Ask for specific examples in order to turn barbed or red flag comments into information the other disputant can use in better understanding  the speakers side of the story (e.g., if party says "he's inconsiderate and totally irresponsible", mediator says "Please give us a specific example of what you have in mind.").

        D. TAKE NOTES

                  Most mediators get lost without them. But keep them brief; a few words related to the current conversation should suffice. It can be effective to have one mediator focus on building rapport and the other on keeping track of information.

THE PROBLEM SOLVING STAGE

I. BEGIN PROBLEM SOLVING SESSION WITH PRAYER

II. RESTATE PROBLEM(S)

        A. When possible, write clear and concise statements on a large sheet of paper or on a chalkboard.

        B. Show where agreement has already been reached – give encouragement.

        C. Show which issues still need to be resolved.

III. CLARIFY ROLES

        A. Clarify that the role of the disputants is to work together to resolve their differences toward reconciliation.

        B. Clarify that the role of the mediator is to assist the disputants in their role - not do it for them.

IV. MOVE INTO PROBLEM SOLVING USING SUCH TECHNIQUES AS:

        A. Paraphrasing/repeating (listening skills).

        B. Brainstorming – looking for possible options to solve problem.

        C. Ranking practicality and feasibility of suggestions.

        D. Considering those not directly involved in the dispute but directly affected by the resolution.

VII. CLOSURE

        A. Put agreement in written form. Set a future time for assessing the progress in fulfilling the agreement.

        B. Have each disputant reaffirm sorrow for his/her part in the problem and seek full forgiveness from the other for offending and hurting him/her by his/her choices and behavior.

        C. Ask each disputant to pray for the other person involved in the dispute.

        D. Encourage disputants to show physical signs of forgiveness and reconciliation (hugs, shaking of hands, etc.).

        E. Set time for celebration of resolution and reconciliation with both disputants and mediator (eating together, communion service, fun outing, etc.).

Revised 2020