Conflict Resolution 3

Conflict is any difference between people or groups of people which actually or seemingly offends the sensibilities of either party (feelings, beliefs, dignity, convictions, values, opinions, methods, goals, self-esteem) or threatens the well-being of either party (personal freedom, economic security, social ranking, happiness, orderliness, peacefulness, emotional/mental/ physical health, possessions, family, community, nation).

Conflict always occurs within the boundaries of relationship. Therefore, approval/self-worth, control, justice, and/or acceptance/love are most often the core issue(s) for both disputants in any given conflict. Since these issues are deeply personal, it is hard not to see conflict as a direct threat to our well-being when one or more of these issues is being threatened.

	Approval/self-worth

Control		Justice

	Acceptance/love

Because these four core issues are so precious to us, we are prone to act on behalf of protecting and preserving them at the first sign of their being under attack. And because conflict generally affects one or more of these core issues, our primary concern when responding to conflict tends to be that of:

When we believe victory over the offender is the best response to conflict, we feel justified in unleashing strong feelings, harsh words, cruel criticisms, put-downs, undefeatable logic, unanswerable accusations, exaggerations, threats, and even physical abuse. Each of these responses may bring the victory desired, but they always damage, and sometimes end, the relationship.

When we believe distance from the offender is the most reasonable response to conflict, we feel justified in using silence, coolness, indifference, unfriendliness, withdrawal, avoidance, divorce, and internalized hatred. Though these responses are self-protective, they are also relationship destructive.

Generally speaking, we choose victory over or distance from the conflict-offender out of a selfish concern for our own well-being or interests. In other words, we are looking out for our own good at the expense of the relationship. We are saying that “my” individual happiness is more important than “our” relationship. We are behaving as if “my” well-being (sense of control, feelings of peace, avoidance of the unpleasant) is non-negotiable, while “our” relationship is disposable. When relationships are seen as disposable, self-protective, relationship damaging, responses to conflict seem rational.

1. What we know, we know. What we believe, value, or hold as guiding principles, we do. Knowledge is not the direct motivator of behavior. Our personal beliefs, values, and principles are the most significant factors motivating our behavior. We can know something and agree that it is true, and even the right thing to do. But that does not mean we believe in it or value it to the extent of being willing to live accordingly. The surest way to discover what we believe, what we value, and what principles we live by is to observe what we do. Then answer the question, What do my words or behavior say about what I believe, value, or hold as a guiding principle?

2. Our behavior is not the direct result of a given stimulus. Circumstances or other people are not the direct motivator of behavior. Our behavior is the direct result of what we believe or value or tell ourselves about a given stimulus (situation, person). For example, people, or people’s behavior, do not make us mad. We get mad based on what we believe or value in relation to that person or that person’s behavior.

3. “Your actions speak so loud I cannot hear what you say.” Certain words and deeds done once are enough to label us. In other things, our repetitive words/deeds label us. Get honest about your self-made reputation and the message it sends.

4. There is a distinct difference between premeditated murder and manslaughter. However, manslaughter committed on a repetitive basis against the same person or group of people soon feels to them like premeditated murder. Once the offender is clearly shown how his behavior is hurting others and therefore should be stopped, it is no longer manslaughter when carelessly committed. It is irresponsible, uncaring, reckless murder which now may be treated as if it were premeditated.

5. No one likes pain. Yet if we choose a sinful / self-serving approach to conflict, we will suffer. But much of our suffering will be self-inflicted. If we choose a godly, relationship building approach to conflict, we are still likely to suffer – because too often the other party will not join us in resolving the conflict and reconciling the relationship. However, it is always better to suffer for righteous, noble, and good purposes than to suffer for foolish, selfish, or sinful choices. (This is the “take up our cross daily” theme.) Therefore, learn the difference between:

a. QUICK FIXES: methods and solutions which bring immediate relief from current pain or ensure protection from future pain without resolving the conflict and restoring the relationship (i.e., blocking, passively yielding to the aggressor, aggression, threats, abuse). Such methods forestall our misery (delay until some time in the future), they do not end it .

b. REAL FIXES: methods and solutions that deal with reality, resolve issues, solve problems, and protect or restore relationships. Such methods will include uncomfortable, even unwanted feelings and situations, but they solve differences, promote forgiveness, heal hurts, restore trust, and strengthen relationships so that the future is more satisfying.

6. When trust is eroded, love is eroded. When there is conflict, try to resolve it as soon as possible so trust will be restored as soon as possible. No one can trust without good reason to trust. Therefore, eroded trust must be repaired and a tarnished reputation must be renewed through repetitive displays of trustworthy behavior. Yet no one can re-earn trust unless the offended party opens the “door of trust” enough for trust to be re-earned. It takes both parties working together to restore trust and revitalize love.

7. Complete trust in the goodness of God and the reliability of God’s Word is essential to relationship building conflict resolution and healthy relationships. At whatever point you think God will not protect your interests, or at whatever point you think obedience to His Word will leave you too vulnerable to the schemes and injustice of others, you will depart from doing things God’s way (doing what you know is right, living according to God’s Word) and resort to doing things your own way (doing what you feel certain will promote or protect your interests). Since God’s way of thinking and behaving is based on love (seeking the good of everyone who in any way is affected by your choices and behavior), to depart from God’s way leaves only one other way - self-centeredness (seeking the good of self as your first concern and then seeking the good of others only as it fits into your first concern).

8. Beware of self-deception. It is motivated by self-centeredness. It is a self-imposed hardening of your own heart against God and God’s Word. It is the most difficult deception to overcome because it is self-constructed in the shape of your own (self-serving) view of reality and truth. It is a self-made curse.

9. There is a distinct difference between peacemaking and peacekeeping. Peacemaking works for the resolution of conflict and the restoration of relationship while peacekeeping works for a personal sense of well-being through such means as appeasement, avoidance, and denial – leading to an illusion of peace in the peacekeeper’s mind. Peacemaking is love driven and community focused. Peacekeeping is selfish and totally self focused. Our goal as Christians is to be peacemakers, never peacekeepers.

Who is helped the most or whose interests are primarily served by your favorite method of responding to conflict?