GOOD COMMUNICATION
A VITAL PART OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Communication is one of the most important factors in human relationships. It has many parts: choice of words, tone of voice, how loud we speak, our emphasis on certain words, hushed expressions, facial expressions, hand gestures, body movements, and even silence. The goal of good communication is to show love and respect for others by giving them the freedom to respond to us however they choose, while at the same time being honest with them about our own thoughts and feelings.
There are basically three types of communication: aggressive, passive, and good communication. The type of communication we choose in a given encounter indicates what we value, believe, fear, and/or hope in relation to the person(s) or situation and what we are trying to accomplish in that encounter.
Aggressive communication is the use of strength or power to overwhelm, intimidate, or manipulate others. The purpose of aggressive communication is to make other people think and/or act according to the way we want them to think and act. Aggressive communication is motivated by self-centeredness.
Passive communication is the use of gentle, pleasing, often vague, and intentionally appeasing language that avoids confrontation, argument, anger, and hostility by giving the appearance of approval, cooperation, acceptance, and even sincere agreement. The purpose of passive communication is to maintain or gain the approval of others and keep an atmosphere of peace – for the sake of the one communicating passively. Passive communication is motivated by self-centeredness.
Good communication is the use of honesty (dealing truthfully with descriptions of behavior, situations, feelings, beliefs, values, and the principles by which one lives), respect, gentleness, gracious firmness when necessary, empathy, and impartial listening for the purpose of understanding the other side of the story or situation in order to seek the good of everyone involved. The purpose of good communication is to provide an atmosphere in which relationships can develop and be maintained, people can continue to grow in maturity and godliness, and the progressive good of the community is promoted. Good communication provides the opportunity for two-way communication, identification of the real issues, discovery of what the other person thinks and feels, mutually agreeable resolution to conflict, and affirmation of mutual respect and trust. Good communication is motivated by love – love which seeks the good of everyone who is in any way affected by our choices and behavior.
It is difficult to express ourselves in a kind, respectful way when we are feeling under pressure, frustrated, irritated, angry, hurt, rejected, put down, helpless, discouraged, etc. I-statements give us a format for expressing negative feelings, observations, and complaints about a person or his behavior in a way that does not sound critical or judgmental of the person himself. This makes it easier for the other person to hear what we have to say and helps them feel safer in joining the conversation rather than becoming defensive.
THE I-STATEMENT FORMULA HAS FOUR PARTS:
WHEN: We objectively, honestly, kindly describe the other person's behavior.
THE EFFECTS ARE: We describe how the other person's behavior actually affected our life or feelings.
I FEEL: We describe how it made us feel.
I'D PREFER: We describe what we want.
The ‘I FEEL’ part is intended to help others understand how their behavior is affecting us. However, if expressing our feelings at this time will make it harder for the other person to hear what we are saying, put manipulative-type pressure on him, or damage the relationship in some way, do not express the ‘I feel’ part.
The ‘I’D PREFER’ part gives an opportunity to offer our ideas for dealing with the situation. However, if that means squashing the other person’s input (i.e., a passive person), then we should give them the opportunity to express their ideas first.
LISTENING
A VITAL PART OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Telling our side of the story, expressing our opinions, feelings, and wants is an important part of conflict resolution. However, it is only half of the process. The other half is just as important, and that half is listening.
Listening is more than hearing words and showing you are paying attention by looking the person in the eye as they talk. Listening is trying to understand what the other person is saying, or trying to say. This requires listening beyond the words themselves. To discover the intent of the words we must listen to the speaker’s choice of words, the feelings expressed with their words, the tone and volume with which their words are spoken, and the body language that accompanies their words. When we listen this way, we are more likely to catch the true intent of the other person’s words.
Once we think we understand what it is the other person is saying, the next step is to verify that what we think we’ve heard is what the other person actually meant to say. We do this by reflecting back what we think is the essence of the message we’ve just heard. This provides an opportunity for the speaker to affirm we’ve heard correctly, or to try again at being understood.
This step is vital to assuring both sides are accurately understood and to assuring neither side is operating under wrong or false assumptions. Therefore, it is important to listen with the goal of understanding the other person’s story or reasoning or explanation. Listening to understand is best done when we treat the listening part as if it were a fact-finding exercise rather than a cross-examination. Finally, verifying what we think the speaker said gives the speaker the opportunity to affirm we have heard correctly or correct what we’ve heard so we understand what he meant to say.
Verifying is an easy process. It is done by reflecting back to the speaker the essence of what you heard him say. It can be done like this:
“What I just heard you say is . . ..”
“Are you saying . . .?”
“Tell me more about . . ..”
After reflecting what you heard, give the speaker an opportunity to agree with you or correct your perception of what was said. Through this verifying/clarifying process, both the speaker and the hearer can come to an accurate understanding of what the speaker wants to communicate.
If you are the listener, do not tell the speaker what he is trying to say. Stick to reflecting what you heard and let the speaker decide if what you heard is what he wanted to communicate. This shows respect for the speaker and commitment to restoring the relationship. If in the clarification process the speaker says something inconsistent with what he previously said, show the inconsistency and give him the opportunity to correct himself.
If you find it difficult to understand what the other person is trying to tell you, try one of these two questions to bring clarification to the discussion. Ask:
“Could you give me an example?”
“I’m confused about________. Could you tell me again in a different way, with different words?”
If you are the speaker and what was heard is not what you meant to say, simply correct it. Do not criticize or blame the listener for not hearing you correctly. The goal is to resolve your differences and restore the relationship, not prove your superiority, innocence in the matter, or the inferiority of the listener. An aggressive or condemning attitude will frustrate or stop the resolution process. Kindness, gentleness, and humility are the qualities that promote resolution.
Depending on the length of the other person’s story or explanation, you may need to verify/clarify several times during the story telling. Stick to verifying so the verifying process does not derail the speaker’s opportunity to tell his side of the story.
The verifying/clarifying process does not mean that the listener agrees with what the speaker is saying, it only means the listener accurately understands what the speaker is saying. Discussing areas of disagreement can take place after the speaker is accurately understood by the listener. Bear in mind that an accurate understanding of what is being said is vital to resolving differences. Differences cannot be resolved if what we think we hear the other person saying is not really what he is saying.
Careful listening takes time and effort. But it is better to take the extra time and make the extra effort so that clear understanding can lead to real solutions in resolving differences.
Listening to ourselves is just as important as listening to the other party in conflict with us. This offers us an opportunity to examine our own intentions, fears, concerns, beliefs, and expectations as revealed by the way we tell our side of the story. And listening to ourselves gives us insight into how we are most probably being heard. We are wise to listen to our words (conciliatory, red flag, clear, vague, sarcastic), tone of voice (demanding, harsh, fearful, respectful, disrespectful, too loud, too soft), and our story (attacking and blaming, explaining our point of view).
HELPING THE OTHER PERSON
COMMUNICATE
Sometimes the other person chooses silence and/or distance as their primary response to something we have said or done. When this happens it is difficult to deal with the misunderstanding and repair the relationship. However, instead of accepting their silence and/or distance as their final answer or instead of assuming we know what their response means, we can go to them and ask if they are willing to express their feelings and thoughts about what we’ve said or done. How we approach them is important to helping them feel safe in talking further. Therefore, asking non-demanding, non-judgmental questions often helps the other person open up and express what he is feeling and thinking. Some examples are:
“Would you be willing to respond to what I’ve said?”
“It would help me to know how you feel about what I’ve been saying.”
“What are your thoughts (or feelings) about what I’ve said?”
Demonstrating empathy (through questions or statements) with how you suspect the other person may be feeling or thinking makes it even easier for him to feel safe in expressing his feelings and thoughts. For example:
“Are you wishing this would all go away so you wouldn’t have to talk about it?”
“Its possible you’re feeling like you’d rather be left alone right now.”
“Are you feeling upset with me?”
Asking for the other person’s reactions to what we’ve said or done shows him we are open and interested in hearing what he has to say. Empathizing helps him believe we can identify at least somewhat with how he is feeling about us and/or the situation.
Sometimes, a negative response on the other persons part means we have been misunderstood. There are usually identifiable reasons for this breakdown in communication. (1) Sometimes we have not clearly said what we wanted to say. (2) Sometimes others hear us through their own filters – filters based on past experiences, previous hurts, fears, assumptions about our intentions, longstanding beliefs about people who say or do what they think we’ve said or done – which distorts in their mind what we actually said or did. (3) Sometimes people hear our requests as demands, our suggestions as personal criticism, or our disagreement as personal disrespect or rejection. For these reasons and others like them it helps to ask what the other person is hearing us say. For example:
“I’ve been trying to tell you something, what have you been hearing me say?”
“I’ve been talking for awhile; what do you think I am trying to tell you?”
When we’ve been misunderstood and discover it, we can clarify what we meant to say. An example is: “I’m sorry it sounded like I was saying you are a jerk. Actually, I appreciate many things about you, and I value our relationship. It is just this one area where I would appreciate a cooperative effort in resolving our differences so we can strengthen our relationship further.”
Asking the other person to paraphrase what he heard is an excellent way to clear up misunderstandings. Empathizing is a good way to help the other person believe we both understand and care about how they are feeling. At the same time we should want to improve our communication skills. Therefore, learning what others are hearing can expose our peculiar, self-serving, unkind, counter-productive, and relationship destructive forms of communication. This, in turn, gives us the opportunity to change those forms which hurt our communication efforts.
IN YOUR OWN WORDS
Study the following scripture verses. Describe how they apply to speaking and listening.
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PROVERBS 12:18 ___________________________________________________________________________________________
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PROVERBS 15:1_____________________________________________________________________________________________
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PROVERBS 17:27____________________________________________________________________________________________
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EPHESIANS 4:25, 29, 31-32____________________________________________________________________________________
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Revised 2020